trauma + healing
My first pregnancy was unplanned. It completely changed my life and led to an intense custody battle, non-custodial parental abduction (long story short: she was taken and they wouldn’t give her back. I had to file a police report, schedule an emergency hearing, and didn’t know where she was or if I would ever see her again), and parental alienation. For the past 12 years I’ve felt so much trauma related to each phase of my daughter’s life- beginning with pregnancy and continuing through to the present.
Not only have those past experiences impacted my relationship with my oldest daughter and deeply changed me as a person but they have caused issues in other areas of my life and with my other children.
I was pregnant with Carter when she was taken. Clare was a newborn when we moved across the country and our visitation changed- which eventually led to the decision to let her live with her dad. So many precious moments in my life have been shadowed by immense sadness and pain because of our custody situation. Looking back, my memories are diluted and I have a hard time filtering the good from the bad.
And because of that, trying to have another baby was really stressful for me. I knew she needed to be here but I felt like I was walking on eggshells just waiting for something bad to happen.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was overjoyed and terrified at the same time. And I knew something had to change because I recognized what was happening. My subconscious mind was taking over and trying to protect me based on previous trauma- and I had a lot of limiting beliefs that needed to be cleared to begin healing and moving forward. Awareness was just the beginning. I needed to take action.
I now meditate daily, practice EFT (tapping) more consistently, and went through a powerful course by Christie Marie Sheldon that I review frequently.
I’m still working on it- but I’m doing the work.
And having our sweet little Nellie has been a powerful healing journey for me. I feel so connected and a lot of my faith that was lost has been restored. I’m learning and growing into a better person because I’m choosing to make changes. I’m enjoying every moment with her without underlying fear. I’m living in the present as a better mom and wife because I’ve shifted my perspective. My life isn’t even close to being perfect- but I’m finding joy and light where there used to be despair and darkness and that’s what growth is all about.